How to avoid road rage and snapping at your coworkers.
It's Christmas Eve and you're sitting at the dinner table.
That uncle you usually avoid makes a polarizing political statement.
Without thinking, you fire back a withering remark. Suddenly, your peaceful Christmas Eve with family turns into a destructive debate.
In behavioral psychology terms, your uncle's remark is a "stimulus". Your withering remark is a "response."
And your response has resulted in a negative outcome.
For me, certain stimuli create immediate, negative emotions. They're sometimes followed by responses I regret.
I'm always experimenting with ways to pause before I respond so that I choose my reaction.
I've had a lot of luck with a new approach, and you might find it useful too.
Try this reflection to prevent reactions you regret.
Let's say I'm in traffic driving at 70+ mph and the car in front of me cuts me off. I'm immediately filled with rage, and I might lay on the horn or do other things I'll leave to your imagination.
Not good.
Instead, I try to pause and think between the stimulus (idiot cutting me off) and my response.
I ask myself two questions.
1. What state am I in, right at that moment, that might affect my reaction?
2. What conditions have been violated causing me to feel threatened?
To answer these questions, I think about two acronyms that are easy to remember. HALTS and SCARF.
1. HALTS* - Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Stressed? These conditions increase the chances that I'll react poorly. Usually I'm Hungry, Tired, and Stressed.
2. SCARF** - Which of the following conditions is the stimulus violating? Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, or Fairness?
When someone cuts me off while I'm driving 70+ mph, I feel disrespected (status). I'm less sure of my safety (certainty). I feel less in control of my situation (autonomy). And it's not at all fair that the other driver can threaten my safety like this.
Going through this reflection diffuses my emotions. I'm in a more rational mindset, and I'm better able to choose how I want to react.
How's this going for me?
It works most of the time. Sometimes, I don't catch myself soon enough after the stimulus to engage the rational part of my brain.
When that happens, I reflect on the situation after the fact. I go through HALTS and SCARF and think about what I will do better next time.
This is a work in progress. I'll get better and better over time as I keep at it.
Worth trying?
It's been working well for me, and I invite you to try it.
If you do, let me know how it goes.
If you have luck with other techniques, drop me a note.
Footnotes:
*HALTS originated in addiction recovery treatment. But I’ve found it applies to other situations as well.
**SCARF is a framework created by author and CEO David Rock.